


a mighty ocean or a gentle kiss

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Big Gay Love Story, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural) Needs a Hug, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Everyone Has Issues, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, True Love, gayyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-02 11:16:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16304147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dean and Castiel get to talking about why they haven't gotten together yet, which leads to some surprising confessions. Will they decide that what they have is worth giving a chance, or are the obstacles in their way simply too large?





	a mighty ocean or a gentle kiss

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song "two" by sleeping at last, cuz damn listen to the song it literally makes me cry

Like many things, it all started when Dean was drunk off his ass.

He remembered as much when he woke up the next morning in his seedy motel room, clinging to Castiel's in his sleep like a friggin koala bear. Castiel's arm was draped over Dean's shoulders in a way that neither of them could deny just felt right but neither of them would admit either, and Dean had wrapped his own arms around Castiel's stomach, his face buried in Castiel's chest as a pillow. Castiel remember them coming back from the bar and offering, like he had so many times before, to watch over Dean while he slept.

Dean, on the other hand? The last thing he remembered was tequila. He couldn't possibly hope to fill in the blanks between ordering that last round of shots, and waking up cuddling an angel of the lord. Which might not even be so bad--people did weird things when they were drunk, it happens--if he didn't like it so damn much.

"Dean," Castiel said, shaking his shoulder gently in an attempt to wake him. Dean, who wasn't quite ready for it to be morning and who was nursing an unfortunate hangover, just hummed in his sleep and snuggled further into Castiel's arm. "Dean, wake up."

"Come on, Cas," Dean whined. He knew he wasn't exactly an early riser, but the sun wasn't even shining through the curtains of the motel room yet. Way too soon even for a morning person's standards. Castiel wished he didn't have to wake him up. Restful sleep had been getting rarer and rarer for both Winchesters, and a peaceful night's rest was the least they deserved for everything they did. Still, they had to get up. With some regret he lifted his shoulder again. Dean said, words muffled by Castiel's sleeve, "Nooo, pillows aren't s'pposed to move."

"I'm not a pillow, I'm a celestial being."

"Yeah you are."

Castiel found that the more time he spent with Dean Winchester, the more used to that tilting at the corners of his mouth they called smiling he grew. Which was just fine, because Dean found the more Castiel was smiling the more reason he had to. And reasons were scarce those days. Still, Castiel had to suppress the urge for now.

"Dean, Uriel could be here any moment."

"So?"

"So," Castiel said, breathing out a small sigh. Sighing was another habit he'd found himself doing more the more time he spent with the Winchesters. "What do you think Uriel will think if, when he gets here, Dean Winchester is  _cuddling_ with me in his sleep?"

"You're...cuddling," Dean shot back, his tone losing it's sharpness after about one syllable when he realized he didn't have a witty response. Again Castiel pushed down the urge to smile. He knew better than to call Dean cute out loud. Dean reluctantly released Castiel's arm and sat up, running his hands over his face and through his hair in an attempt to wake up. He had half a mind to find whoever had suggested tequila to him last night and throttle them. Instead he just took in a deep breath before puffing it out in a heavy sigh and said, "Why would Uriel even give a shit? Doesn't he have bigger problems?"

"Uriel thinks you're an abomination," Castiel said bluntly. He only realized after Dean's expression changed infinitesimally when he said it that humans had different rules of communication, and some of them might find a remark like that to be hurtful. Social skills were hard. He shook his head and said, "Besides he, and in fact most of my siblings, already thinks I care too much for you and Sam."

"And you what? Don't want them getting any ideas?" This was awkward.

Castiel just gave Dean a look for a moment, but he couldn't deny it so eventually he just nodded. Dean bit the inside of his cheek in thought, then after a second mirrored the nod.

"Yeah, 'cause you and me. That'd just be..." Dean said, faltering halfway. He breathed out a chuckle and made himself say, "That'd just be weird, right?"

Weird wasn't exactly the word Castiel would use. But he didn't know what word it was he would use, so he didn't bother offering a counter argument. If weird was the word Dean wanted to use, he imagined a disagreement would've been pointless anyway. Forgetting that, even if it had been what Dean wanted, there was no way it could happen. So he just cleared his throat, perhaps a little awkwardly, and answered, "Yes. Weird."

A long moment of silence passed after that, although it felt longer to both of them than it actually was. Then Dean chuckled again and glanced over his shoulder to look at Castiel, a half-grin present on his face that neither seemed nor felt entirely genuine. "Can you even imagine? I mean, us? A grumpy hunter, and an actual angel? A couple? What would that even be like?"

There was a slight hint of hope in Dean's voice, underneath the charade of joking around, only Castiel wasn't sure if he was hoping for him to shut down the idea or encourage it. Truth be told, Dean wasn't entirely sure either. So, lacking a clear course of action, Castiel decided to just tread lightly, and see where it took him. "I doubt it would be much weirder than anything else that's happened, since we met."

Dean resisted the urge to look back over his shoulder at Castiel again, just to get a read on his expression. He scoffed, trying to keep up the idea that they were just talking hypothetically, and said, "What, you think it could work?"

"Well, Heaven wouldn't exactly approve," Castiel answered honestly.

"Sure," Dean said, nodding. "But I mean, me and Sam are the friggin chosen ones, right? So if I said I wouldn't help 'em without you, what could they do?"

If Castiel didn't know any better, he'd say Dean was trying to say it wouldn't be weird after all. That they would actually have a chance as a couple. But Castiel did know better, and he knew that even if it were true that Dean did want that, they could never be together. Heaven wouldn't let that happen. Castiel was willing to disregard a lot of Heaven's guidelines or orders, especially where the Winchesters were involved, but this was different. It was a law. A divine law. Angels were forbidden from becoming involved with humans.

Castiel frowned. "Seeing as you don't exactly follow their orders  _with_ me, I doubt it would be an effective method."

"Right." They were both quiet for a moment then, each of them hoping the other would break the silence. When Castiel didn't say anything, Dean cleared his throat and said, "It's not like Heaven's all-knowing, though."

Castiel wasn't sure if that was supposed to mean Heaven wouldn't have to know if they became a couple--which would be true enough for a short while, but eventually they would find out, because they always did, and there would be consequence. Or that Heaven's rules weren't absolute or necessarily true simply because they came from Heaven--that one was actually rather valid, but Castiel had questioned orders before and it never got him anywhere good. Ostracized by his own kind as a best case scenario. The consequences for breaking this particular law were often execution, and if he were dead, then who would look after Dean?

Dean didn't want to admit he was waiting for Castiel to agree, to give some indication of encouragement, but as he let the silence stretch on he couldn't help but hope. But when left with quiet and that slight vulnerability that hope created, Dean found the silence difficult to let be. Which was how he found himself saying, "I mean, yeah it'd probably be weird as hell. But that doesn't make it a bad thing."

Probably neither of them had been expecting that.

They were speaking in hypotheticals, at least to a point. Shielded behind plausible deniability. But the optimistic tone Dean tacked on to the end of that statement, implying that they might even be good for each other, made it a little more real. A little more like two people talking about whether or not they wanted to be a couple, instead of two people talking about whether or not someone would assume they were.

Really, Castiel should have known better than to encourage that line of thought. Should have known better than to fall victim to wishful thinking. But he was weak, and he wanted to believe, even if only for a moment, that they could be good for each other. He shrugged his shoulders and answered, "No. I suppose not."

Slightly emboldened by that, Dean said, "Might even...be a good thing."

"Might be. I suppose it's possible."

"Yeah, possible," Dean said, nodding his head. "Like, it's possible we'd be good together, or whatever. I mean, I chocolate and bacon sounds like a weird combo at first, but once you try that, it's kinda awesome."

"I can't comment, food is largely tasteless to me."

"Point is, I guess I don't see a reason it couldn't work."

The second admission on Dean's part that neither of them were expecting, and especially weren't prepared for. And it almost physically pained Castiel that he had to answer him the way he did, but he couldn't bring himself to lie. Not to Dean. It would hurt him more to give him hope and take it away, than not to give it at all. So he swallowed the bad taste in his mouth and made himself say, barely audible with the effort that it took, "I do."

The flicker of emotion in Dean's eyes just made it all the more painful when he turned away, jaw tensing ever so slightly. "What?"

Castiel frowned and said, "I do see a reason it couldn't work."

"Yeah?" Dean asked. And it took more effort to make it sound like he only had a casual interest in the answer and that the response didn't have a good shot at breaking his heart than it really should have. He focused his gaze on the wallpaper pattern across the room and said, "What's that?"

"You mean, besides the fact that Heaven would never allow it?" Castiel said. And if Dean wasn't so determined to look anywhere in the room but at Castiel, he might've seen the same pain he was feeling reflected in the angel's eyes. Not that it mattered. Their hands were, ostensibly, perpetually tied. Even if Castiel didn't care about Heaven exiling him, they would still be on the run from the other angels as long as they were together. It wasn't the kind of thing that just got let go. He sighed and said, "There may be more reasons it couldn't work, than reasons it could."

"Name one."

"You're just a man."

Castiel hadn't meant for it to come out that blunt, but there was no rephrasing it or taking it back now. Social skills were even harder when you cared about the other person's reaction.

The fact that Dean was human probably wasn't enough to stop Castiel from caring for him; he was already widely disliked by the other angels, but the Winchesters accepted him, and human or not they had become his family. But Castiel was a celestial being, practically immortal. One day, probably sooner than later given the way current events were transposing, Dean Winchester would die. Even if it wasn't for another fifty years, fifty years was barely a blink to someone who had been around since the birth of the stars. And Castiel couldn't imagine not having Dean at his side already, he didn't want to think about how exponentially that pain of absence would multiply if they let this connection between them grow.

Not that Dean heard any of that, in the one sentence Castiel had given him. He knew Castiel would probably outlive him, but he wasn't even thinking about that--partly because he'd never been much of a big picture guy, partly because he expected most people to outlive him. All he heard was that being human wasn't enough.

Dean nodded to himself, almost ready to accept as much, before something stopped him. Stopped him from just giving it up, like he probably should have. He finally looked back at Castiel, and said, "And you're just an angel. So what?"

Castiel should've known better than to expect Dean to give up at something as small as an obstacle of cosmic grandeur. In a weird way, it kind of made him glad, that Dean didn't want to give this up so easily. Made him want to embrace the man in a hug, a feeling he was still getting used to. But more than that, it made him sad. Because he knew it would never work, and he'd hoped he could at least spare Dean the pain of hoping. It seemed they were destined to suffer in more ways than one.

Yet again, they were left with a gaping silence between them.

Dean had been hoping Castiel would get the point, understand what Dean was trying to say, that he didn't care about the risks or the obstacles because when something was this important there were always obstacles, and those obstacles never mattered. Instead he was met with a stubborn quiet. Castiel either didn't understand what Dean meant, or didn't care. It wouldn't change his opinion on the matter. Which hurt, sure, but Dean was used to allowing himself to be vulnerable only for it to be shut down. He looked away once more just as Castiel had opened his mouth to offer some sort of reply--although he'd had no idea what he was planning to say--and didn't even catch it. Shaking his head he said, "Just. Forget it, Cas."

Even if Castiel could, he doubted whether he would.

Forgetting these feelings would by far be the simplest route, and the less painful one. What could hurt, if he didn't feel? But he didn't think he wanted the painless path, if it meant forgetting the way the corners of Dean's eyes crinkled when he laughed, or the pride Castiel felt any time he was the cause of that laughter. Even if they could never work together, Castiel would much rather remember that rush of...humanity (that was the only way he could think to describe it) that he had felt when he first met Dean Winchester. He was doomed to be in pain since they met, and he wouldn't forget it even if he could.

"Forget it?" Castiel repeated, incredulously.

"Yeah, forget it," Dean said, nodding. He got up and started stuffing things scattered around the room back into his duffle bag, if only for an excuse to be doing something. He'd only put about three things away when he stopped, looking back at Castiel, hands still on the bag, and said, "Look, Cas, truth is...Truth is I care about you a lot. In a way I don't think I've cared about anyone else before. And I didn't wanna say anything, 'cause humans aren't--look, it's hardly the same as angels disapproving, but humans aren't always cool about guys caring about other guys the way I do. My dad wasn't, he thought there was something wrong with it, that it was bad. That's why I never told Sammy I was bi before, right? 'Cause he'd probably be cool with it, but I've never even been cool with it, so who the hell knows. And I know to the rest of the world I'm a freak, I've made my peace with it. But my brother?"

Dean cut himself off abruptly, realizing everything he'd just said. Out loud. Realizing the wide eyed stare from across the room, with an emotion he wasn't entirely sure how to read. Then he sighed and figured, what the hell, it was out there now. Why not tell it all, go big or go home, right? So he nodded again and said, "But I think if we gave this a chance? None 'a that would matter. At least. At least it wouldn't matter my dad, or the other angels, or humans, or hell even Sammy, didn't like it. Because at least we'd have given it a chance. But...You don't think it's worth a shot. So yeah, forget it."

He petered off, staring at Castiel's shocked expression with one that probably matched it. He never thought he'd be saying any of that out loud, not in a million years. Because if Castiel really didn't think that they were worth a shot, then there was a very good chance that, with that confession, he'd just lost whatever the hell it was that they  _did_ have. And that wasn't something he wanted to face.

"Dean," Castiel said softly. Dean averted his gaze, suddenly very fixated on fidgeting with the hem of a t-shirt he'd been putting away. "Do you truly believe you're a freak?"

When Dean answered, all the passion from his voice had gone, and Castiel was struck with how tired he sounded, "I said forget it, Cas."

"Angel's have near eidetic memories, I can't simply forget it."

"Well, try," Dean said, zipping the duffle bag shut and dropping it onto the floor with a thud. Then his eyes landed on a pair of socks he'd forgotten to pack, and he swore under his breath--possibly a little more annoyed about it than he should have been--and stalked off to pick them up. Under his breath he mumbled, "Oh wait, you're not one for trying. Forgot."

Castiel bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling, in an effort to summon some patience. Not for Dean's attitude, no he could deal with some human passive aggressive comments. Of course Dean couldn't see that this was for his own good. He needed patience to not just give in, and admit he did think this was worth a shot. That the risks might be worth it, if it meant they had each other.

In the end he came up short in summoning that patience, breathing out a heavy sigh and standing up. He said, "Oh, because you think this is so easy for me? You think it doesn't rip my heart out to tell you it wouldn't work, as if I haven't been profoundly in love with you since I first laid eyes on your soul in hell?"

"You--" Dean started, then abruptly cut himself off to gape when he realized what he'd just heard. Some of the tension disappeared from his shoulders, and he said, barely audible, "Cas, what?"

With a vague sense of defeat settling in, Castiel said, "Now you know."

Dean faltered, suddenly finding it incredibly difficult to form words. There was too much rushing through his head to put together a coherent sentence. After a moment he came up with, because even if he thought he knew the answer it was too much to believe so he had to ask, "Is that...is that true?"

It was so true it hurt. Castiel had seen a lot of human souls in his life, in fact a lot of souls in general. He'd never once felt the same way about one as he did when he saw Dean. Saw Dean and instantly knew his courage and his heart, his work ethic,  and his compassion--but seeing it was different than experiencing it, and Castiel had only felt that emotion grow since spending time with him. Everytime he saw the man sing obnoxiously along to music in the car, or make certain Sam had remembered to eat, or collapse into bed at the end of a long die risking his own life to help others. Everytime he knew something was bothering Castiel when no one else did, and took the time to ask him about it. Everytime Castiel saw Dean he fell deeper in love.

And there was nothing he could do about it.

"Would I lie?"

"Dammit Cas," Dean said, scrubbing his hands over his face. He opened his mouth to answer, then changed his mind, then took a half step forward and said, "If that's true then why the hell don't you think this deserves a shot?"

"Because you're not a freak, Dean, you are the most human person I've ever met," Castiel said, shaking his head. "It's why you're so compassionate, and so brave, and so, so selfless. But...it's also why you deserve someone who can grow old with you, who won't put you in danger simply by being with you."

"I'm already in danger! All the damn time! It's an occupational hazard," Dean said. "But I'd rather be in danger with you than without."

Castiel shook his head, dropping back down to sit on the mattress again.

A long moment of silence stretched on in between them, where the room felt eerily still. Then Dean crossed the room and sat down on the bed too, next to Castiel. At his side, the one place they could both know they always wanted to be.

"You truly believe we would have a chance?"

At what, he didn't have to say. Happiness? Safety? Home? Some combination of those, and whatever else mixed in?

Dean sighed and looked over at Castiel then, in a moment of either courage or weakness, put a hand on Castiel's cheek and turned his face towards him. Staring into his eyes then was another of those moments where he began to wonder if he was even worthy of this. But it felt too right for that to matter.

"Look, Cas, I've never been good at this but...I'm gonna talk for a minute, you listen, okay?" Castiel nodded, and Dean took his hand away, but they didn't break eye contact. "If there's one thing I've learned from this life, it's that it's short, okay? It's short, and it's difficult, and very much thankless. But y'know what? Every now and then, something comes along that makes you think, maybe. Maybe all this crap is worth it. Sometimes it's a small thing, like a cold beer or making Sammy laugh. Sometimes it's a dumbass angel afraid to take a chance."

"I'm not afra--"

"I said let me talk," Dean interrupted, holding up an index finger. "I just think...I think you gotta run the risks where you can, cuz you don't know what's down the road. Maybe it's bumpy, maybe it's smooth, maybe it ain't even paved. But Cas, that don't matter if you got family in the passenger seats."

Castiel frowned. "I don't know what you're trying to say."

Dean sighed but there was a slight pull of a smile at the corner of his lips, like maybe he'd been expecting that response.

"What I'm trying to say is: Life's a bitch, and it's short. And we should love the people we love, even if it's scary. Especially if it's scary," Dean said. Then he laughed, somewhat wry and somewhat genuine, ,"And loving you? Cas, loving you scares the hell out of me. But that's how I know it's worth it."

Castiel blinked at Dean, in complete awe as per usual. Of course he didn't think the obstacles in their way mattered. Dean Winchester had never shyed away from a fight in his life, and he wasn't a coward. And he was right. Castiel had been around for eons and never met anyone who made him feel the way that Dean did, and his plan was to push that away because he might lose it, instead of enjoy it while it was there? He couldn't stop loving Dean no matter what he did, and Dean was right, that didn't mean he should run from it.

So Castiel took the risk.

He leaned forward and put his hands on Dean's face, fully with the intent to kiss him. But he hesitated there, first because he realized he had no idea what he was doing--centuries of life and he'd never kissed anyone. Second, because once he'd hesitated, he got mildly lost staring into the man's eyes.

Dean grinned and said, "You gonna kiss me or what, you dork?"

And he really was going to--except then there was a sound at the door, and they were barely able to shuffle a reasonable space away from each other before the door swung open, and in walked Sam, carrying a tray of coffee from the place down the road.

"Oh, good you're up," Sam said, holding one of the coffees out to Dean. "I wasn't sure you would be, what with all that tequila you were drinking."

"I didn't drink  _that_ much," Dean objected. He'd definitely been drunker before.

"Sure."

"Don't 'sure' me."

"Sure." Sam shook his head, sitting down on the second mattress across from them. "Anyway, while I was out I went and talked to the cop assigned to the case, and she had some pretty interesting..."

Castiel tried to listen to Sam telling them about the case, but his mind ended up wandering. He looked back across to Dean and realized, not for the first time, how much distance there really was between them. It was only a few inches, really. But strip away the petty appearance of this world, and lightyears stretched across those motel sheets. A chasm so vast and impossible that, sometimes, Castiel wondered why he tried.

But then Dean smiled. That bright, amazing smile, forged from sunshine itself.

And he remembers why he tries.

 


End file.
